do you ever wonder what if??

I don't

not usually

But I'm sitting here talking to an ex from WAY long ago, the only guy that I have ever cried over, and I'm not thinking what if? I"m thinking why? Why was this guy able to effect me so much more than any of the other ones? Why did I care so much for him? I mean I remember liking him tons and I even remember caring about him and fightintg when he thought that the relationship should have ended. But for the life of me I can't remember why. I don't think it was his looks, looks have never really mattered all that much to me. And we almost never had long, interesting conversations, he wasn't overly outgoing and he didn't have the sarcastic side that I usually enjoy in a guy. But I liked him, more than any before or since. I wish I could remember why.

He;s smart, I know that I liked that. But I feel like there was something more. there is a trait that I absolutely loved and that pulled me in tight. I wish I could remember what it was so that I know to look for it.

because I find myself thinking what if?

What if I could have afforded a plane ticket to New York to see him?

Would we still be together now?

Would I be attending College in new York to be closer to him?

What if he was my one love, and he didn't even stick around long enough for me to fall in love?

What if we were meant to be and we blew it?

Why am I thinking this way?

I never think What IF?

tears.

 I hate tears.

 they come.

 and come.

 and come.

 they don't stop 

Occasionally they take a break

they rest

but then they are ready to come back on the job as soon as you want them the least

it's a hard life

being a tear

you see so much sadness

you get brushed away

people try to hide you

not to let the world see

because when you are a tear

people are ashamed of letting you out

WTF?!?!?!

Why is this happening?

is it happening?

are these feelings real?

or is it just me being on the rebound?

I can't tell?

but the feelings I have

whatever the cause

are f'in things up

making things akward

but not

I don't know what to do

do I make a move?

do I drop hints and hope that you get them?

do I ignore it and make sure I'm not just lashing out for the nearest guy?

Am I over the last one

the most recent hurt?

I can't tell

I don't know what to do

I need advice

but who to ask?

one wants me to go out with you no matter what

others say that it would amuse them

others think of you as one of the girls

these thoughts of mine are lesbionic

nobody is unbieased

nobody is far enough away to not find it halarious

except for those who don't know you

at all

and their advice is no good on this

this special case

this special boy

*sigh*

what to do?

to tell you?

to not tell you?

to keep things the same

try to get closer?

push you away?

do nothing?

do everything?

AAAAAAAAAAAAHGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

this is depressing

I miss you

I miss you a lot

I try to tell myself that I don;t

that it wasn't meant to be

that it wasn't in the divine plan

that I can do better,

that the allignment of the planets was just all wrong,

that you have been posessed by evil Zombie's who ate the part of your brain that liked me

I'll tell myself anything

anything to make the hurt go away

make the pain stop

the only problem is

I am a HORRIBLE liar

I know in my heart that you are the reason there is no we

there is no other solution

and I don't think I get can much better than you

Mr. Cornell university hockey player/percussionist

Mr. I'm-gonna-be-a-gentlemen-even-when-I'm-breaking-up

that's possibly what I like least about you

and most about

you're a gentleman

and it's sweet

and adorable

and Oh so cute

but it's also pretty damn annoying

how the hell am I supposed to be mad at someone who is trying his best to be  a gentleman and to not hurt me in a situation where that is not possible

I think that I could have fallen in Love with you

I would have

I'm sure of it

I still might

but I'll try not to

Because that would make it even harder

I finally understand "there's a fine, fine line"

but I'm not getting the part about going after the things you want

I know what I want

I went after it

it didn't last

because you couldn't see it

but I could

I saw it clearly

more like a memory than a hope fpr the future

that's how clear it was

I saw us growing old together

having kids

going on vacations

watching our kids march

being on staff(or support staff)

I even pictured what our kids would look like

they'le have your nose and  eyes, my hair, and someone elses mouth

they would be adorable

because you are adorable

and any kids that you would have would have to be adorable

you can't have a dad like you and be ugly

it can't happen

and now I'm gonna end up marrying an ugly guy and having ugly children and I will lay at night and wish that I had the adorable children the ones with you

the little musical pests

the cutest kids ever

but hey....I'ld be biased

becasue I would love you all soooooo much

and the love would make the children grow even prettier

and yes boys can be pretty

it is allowed to happen

and it does.

you are pretty

but I would never say it to your face beause it might hurt your tough hocky-playing image

if a girl told you you were pretty

I 'ld laugh

It would make me happy

just to see you face would make me happy

to be in your arms again

hearing your heart beat

feeling you breathe

just content to ly there with you forever

and never get up

and just stay therelike a dream

because it is a dream

and no matter how many stars I wish on I don't think that I will ever get my wish

I wish you would come back to me

I wish you would say you were sorry

that you were wrong

that I don't have to cry myself to sleep anymore

that you love me

damn

I hate this

I hate it a lot

I hate what you've driven me too

crying over a boy

holy shit

I hate it

I hat how I feel

I hate you

but I don't

because I can't

because you are too wonderful

too sweet

too talented

you couldn't see it

I could

I never could before

not for anyone

I could with you

I saw it

I hoped for it

I awaited it

I wanted nothing else

now I don't know what I want

yes I do

I want you

but you don't want me

and I don't want someone who doesn't want me

so I don't want you

I shouldn't want you

I don't know why I still do

it makes no sense

I want to cry

look what you've brought me to

you've brought me to tears

you have succeeded in doing what no boy has done before

aren't you proud

doesn't it just make you warm and fuzzy inside

the sad thing is I would take you back

I would do it in a second

too bad you don't want me back

too bad

too bad for me

why did you have to be so wonderful

why did you have to be sucj a gentleman about it

couldn't you have been an ass

made me hate you

make the initial blow worse so that the linguring pain is less

instead of a half hour conversation

which didn't end the way I wanted it too

it lasted too long

the tears where coming

but I wasn't going to cry when you would know it

I have pride

I can't allow you to hear me cry

i won't

I'll move on

you'll never know

never know how much you hurt me

cuz I'll never tell you too your face

I'll just write about it here

where you'll never read it

and I'll just pretend that it didn't hurt

and you'll be none the wiser

OHMYGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!That my friend was a wicked hot race...as sad as I am that hamil beat my junior I am excited that a rookie won........and junior and stewart still got 2nd and 3rd......which makes me happy.....it was a good race all the way to the end.

*^***#*%#*%*#$&#*!!!!!!!!!!!!!GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STUPID IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

i bet you're all confused right now but here......this is the conversation I'm mad about...figure it out

 wat excuses none: hi
manormouse06: hey there
wat excuses none: how's it going??
manormouse06: it's goin
manormouse06: u?
wat excuses none: it's going pretty good
wat excuses none: where are you marching this year?
manormouse06: that's good to hear
manormouse06: ....no where
wat excuses none: what?!?!?
manormouse06: i don't have money to audition
wat excuses none: that sux
manormouse06: i know
manormouse06: i want to march so bad
wat excuses none: I thought u were going to march in a corps they're starteing in MI
manormouse06: no, they didn't really get back with me

Mon or mouse....aka mickey, my boytoy, will not be seen by me this summer because he isn't marching

i'm gonna cry

he watches her

he feels her pain

When will she ever learn?

That That boy

That boy she's obsessed with

is not for her

That boy

is with that girl

but he sees her

beliveing

the unbelievable

the improbable

the impossible

believing

that that boy

would fall for her

but that boy

fell for that girl

not her

and she fell for that boy

not him

what she doesn't realize

is that someone else has fallen for her

he has

he helps her though her time of misery

helps her through the tears

hating that boy

for making her cry

he wipes them away

he is always with her

but she can't see him

she can only see

that boy